12 disastrous foods that are marketed as the healthiest stuff on the planet

A lot of us wonder how the f*ck do we not get into shape, even after following every nutritional guideline there is.

But are you really following it? Really, really?

“Yes, I had a multigrain bagel with a spoon of sugar free jelly for breakfast, a glass of fruit juice…and for lunch I had a salad with a bit of Italian dressing…”

Hold it right there. You’ve f*cked up before you even reached lunch! Goddammit.

Here are some of those hidden bastards that come across as healthy food, but are bad as a dementor’s breath.

FAT FREE ANYTHING

Don’t trust anything with this label on it. It’s a load of Marketing bull crap geared to the poor souls who don’t know.

Don’t be that poor soul. Fat free usually means highly processed and a truck full of sugar.

CEREALS

There’s nothing remotely healthy in Fruit Loops, Honey Smacks, Corn Flakes, Cap’n Crunch, and Cocoa Puffs. The only benefit is that they’re cheap and convenient. You’re better off having a small Snickers bar.

Granola, oat bars, trail mixes, and other bastardized versions of cereals are part of the same family tree

SALAD DRESSING

Make your own, or don’t have it.

The popular ones you get at the store – artificial. Pity the foo’ who thinks it’s all real.

Ugh. Thinking of ranch sauce is already making my stomach turn.

FRUIT JUICES

“I don’t always drink juices, but when I do..”.

I’m f*uckin’ with y’all. I don’t drink it. Unless I’m thirsty as hell and water just won’t cut it.

Do you know why? Fruit juice is just sugar water without the fiber. The commercial ones are shit, and those pure juices just add easy calories to your day. You’re better off without it.

Just have the damn fruit.

MARGARINE

Margarine is NOT food! Please, for f*cks sake, use butter.

What? You won’t? Because it’s cheap? Well, then you might as well amble along to the closest lab and have an assortment of tasty chemicals.

It’s an heart attack waiting to happen.

SPORT DRINKS

If you’re not sweating like Cristiano Ronaldo after overtime, you don’t need to hydrate yourself with colored sugar.

Leave it to the athletes. You drink water.

GLUTEN FREE FOODS

It doesn’t matter if it’s gluten free, but is processed like a mothafucka’.

You’ll avoid gluten intolerance, but you’ll get everything else.

FLAVORED YOGHURT

If you’re getting this from the cheap section of the supermarket aisle and eating this thinking “wow, what a healthy treat,” then you’re a moron.

It’s sweet and has a shade of color not existent in the known universe. It can’t be good, right?

ORGANIC FOODS

Oooooh.

Organic Cane Sugar. Organic Brown Rice Syrup. Sounds good, got to be good, yeah?

Nah, you’re better off eating regular sugar.

You’ll pay less, and can save the rest for your next rental check.

VEGAN

Inherently not bad, but just because it says vegan doesn’t make it holier than a priest. Oh, wait…

Is the damn thing processed? Look at the salt, sugar and fat.

No, buckets of veggie bacon is not healthy for you.

Balance, young padawan.

LOW CARB FOODS

You know what’s a low carb food? Some meat and veggies on a plate. That’s low carb. You don’t need a low carb protein bar from the ‘health’ section. It’s not even real food, just a bunch of shit thrown together.

Be extra careful when you see these labels thrown around: Keto, Paleo, Raw, etc. You don’t want to pay premium for something that’s DIY.

SUGAR FREE

If it’s sweet, it’s not sugar free.

Aspartame, agave, brown rice syrup, maltitol, glucose, fructose, yadda yadda yadda.

Don’t. Just don’t.

F*cking marketing. Making it a living hell for people to know what’s good for them. The best way is to educate yourself. Remember companies will try to hide the real stuff through color, copy and over the top design.

And the best thing you can do to combat this?

Just read the f*cking label.